I miss him so much

  It has been three months and four days since I found out my cousin Bryan passed away. And I lost focus of what I want in life. I miss him so much. It is truly hard to admit that I miss him so much. It is even harder to write about him. He was truly someone that I could call out of the blue and he would drop whatever he was doing to listen to me talk. He was always like a big brother to me. He had the most caring personality about him. He would only want your true best out of you. No matter what you do. He was always there for his family. He took care of his parent when no one else could. I wish I had more time with him. Just to have him give me one last hug and to hear his voice say he loves me one last time. It just hurts so much to think he is gone from this earth. I know his soul is still roaming this earth. But to know that I will never get to see him until I too am no longer living, pains me down to my core. He was cremated, and I have some of his ashes in my necklace that was made to hold ashes of a love one. I never take it off (except for showers!)  I wish he was still here to talk me through me losing focus on life. I know I am not the only person missing him. But nobody really talks about it ever since his funeral. I live with my sister and we hardly have talked about it. I wish we would so I know I am not alone. I know I’m never alone because he is always with me in my necklace. But it gets lonely sometimes, not having someone to talk to about it. I know I could easily call one of his sister and talk to them about it. But I don’t want to make their hurt even more. It is hard enough to lose a brother that was the oldest and looked after you. I don’t want to burden them with my sadness and sorrow. I don’t know what I want to do. There is so much on my mind, but no one to tell it to, or have to listen to it.

I miss you so much Bryan!

RIP

Bryan Ho

04/22/83-05/10/15

Tears

After you left, I’m always sad
No matter how sad I am, the sadness is not enough
I look for a place to hurt and hide
In front of my dark house, in my stopped car, in front of your house
A life without love is like poverty, the only thing remaining is an empty room
You and I, we’re like day and night, which cannot be together
The only thing we split and shared is longing
You get drunk one night, come to me and fuss that you’re gonna sleep with me
You touch my happy trail and say that you wanna lay down in my arms
You ask me why I’m always so busy and silently cry
You say didn’t mean it and that you always believe me
You and everything of you that always protected me
Has now become longing

Alone between narrow streets in tears
In case someone sees, I secretly shed tears
I try so hard not to become weak
My tears

Sit alone on the stairs in front of my house in tears
In case you find out, I secretly shed tears
I try so hard not to become weak
My tears

We have bad attachments rather than good attachments^
We fight all the time and go for days without seeing each other
But we wanted each other so much
Because we loved each other, because we couldn’t live without each other
The freckles on your body, the food you can’t eat
When we kiss and made up after fighting
When we tightly held hands while driving
I remember all of those things
Even if you’re not next to me for a moment, I get nervous
After letting you go, I easily get blank
I hate the changing world
I forcefully take out your memories
Your name, face, laughter, scent
There are so many memories you gave to me
There is so much soul that you left to me
They come to life and find to me
I crush them all with the word, love

Alone between narrow streets in tears
In case someone sees, I secretly shed tears
I try so hard not to become weak
My tears

Sit alone on the stairs in front of my house in tears
In case you find out, I secretly shed tears
I try so hard not to become weak
My tears

My tears, tears, tears
Once again tears, tears, tears
Again silently – I don’t wanna know
It smears my memories

Alone between narrow streets in tears
In case someone sees, I secretly shed tears
I try so hard not to become weak
My tears

Sit alone on the stairs in front of my house in tears
In case you find out, I secretly shed tears
I try so hard not to become weak
My tears

New Start

Today marks a new beginning for me. It is a new start because I made my first adult decision since I turned 18 in January. I have officially enlisted into the United States Navy. I never really thought I would ever join the Navy. Ever since I was little, I would have never pictured myself, or really gave it a though, until sophomore year high school, when army recruiters keep on coming to my school. I was first interested in the National Guard. It was a nice idea for my plan to stay for college. To stay and continue my education and if I was needed it wouldn't intrude my studies. But who knew I would change my mind.

What I think helped/ influenced my mind to change my mind from the National Guard to the Navy was my cousin Bryan, who is in the Marine Corp, and important event that happened in December of last year. But the detail of that even deserves its own post. It is amazing how people can influence you so much and help you do things that you never dream of doing. I seriously still can believe I enlisted until I was at the mechanic for an oil change for my car when one of the recruiters called me. I was so caught off guard, but I think it made me grow up a little. Realizing it was real and making an appointment on Monday at 3 for taking the practice test to enlist or something.

I haven’t even told my family yet. But I guess it feels right to hide it for now, because I don’t want my family to talk me out of it. But if I had to let one of my family members know, it would have to be my cousin Bryan, the one who is in the Marines. Because I think he would be the most understanding. But who knows for now, I really have to think about it. I guess after the practice test I will decide who I will tell/ let know.  I am so racked on who I should tell that I am starting to get a migraine! DX

But thinking now, I still have my doubt about the whole think. It is not like I am not excited to serve my home county. It is just whether I should serve right away or go to college and then serve. Ugh! Why must there be so much pressure on me? So many decision for next year and I haven’t even graduated high school yet!

Well this is the end of my first post, I hope you enjoyed it!

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